awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
