I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
