oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
