Grow some girl-balls and come out already
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
