final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
My cat gives me a boner
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
