I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
God I need to hump something, right now.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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