Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
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