Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Can you repeat that, but with context?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
