its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
