In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize