I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
