Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
