just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
if only i could text you this smell
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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