bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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