Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Randomize
