First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
