he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
What a dumb baby whore.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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