This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
