I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
