On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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