Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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