Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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