You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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