Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
