She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
