I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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