Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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