At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
