if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
