How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
