so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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