now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
