I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
i out mim tonsoeep
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