My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Sorry my hands just texted you
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize