every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
