Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
