There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
