If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
