you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
My feet surprised me
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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