if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Randomize
