My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
