so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Randomize
