My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
