Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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