two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
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