i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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