mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
