My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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