you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
