Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
