whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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