I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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