Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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