I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
