In the future we'll all be gay
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
