I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
