I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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