we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
home. puking in laundry basket.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
