Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
She's the barista slut.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
We need a shit load of segways right now
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
