i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
