I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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