Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Randomize