I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
