Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
