A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
