Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
